• Home
  • About
  • Stories
  • Snapshot
  • Connect
  • Ecuador 🇪🇨
PACK LIGHT ☼ BE LIGHT

Surrounded.

8/6/2021

Comments

 
Depression snuck up on me this past month.

I have a lot of good things going for me, life is progressing, I'm working hard and also trying to buy a place to live. So on paper, life's looking up. But internally, I'm not. Why?

Do you know that the hardest part of feeling like I'm drowning is the guilt that I shouldn't be in the first place? "Counting my blessings" feels like a mockery when I can't will myself out of bed, when I haven't run more than a mile in a month, when I let an entire day go by from my 11x14 bedroom, when my eating habits scare me, when I make plans with friends and back out on them, when I'm unresponsive to everyone's texts, when I miss the family group chat just to hide away. I should also add that I was physically sick this month too, and for one week I was scared I had the delta variant of COVID-19 which brought up anxieties about being sick that I didn't even know were dormant. Thankfully I tested negative, but the toll on my emotional health had already been paid.
The worst thing you can do to someone who is experiencing a mental health episode is tell them how at some point, they've just got to shake it off. Yes -- someone told me exactly that this week, and I was too sad to be angry, honestly. It broke my heart that instead of this friend asking me where I was mentally, it was more important that they checked me for being flaky to teach me a lesson of sorts. I left that conversation actually more dejected than when I first picked up the phone to finally reach out.

Afraid I would go back into the shell I was so tired of being trapped in, I almost backed out on another friend later that day. Still, I showed up to the dinner plans and chose vulnerability in my sadness that was like a salve on the brokenness I brought with me. I actually had fun and went home lighter than when I arrived. While walking the 30 blocks home jamming to soca, I started thinking about how many other ways people have created space for me to return back to myself just this past week:
  • My Mom letting me talk myself down off the anxiety trip when I thought I wouldn't be able to move forward financially with home buying.
  • My Dad's "I love you" texts just about every day.
  • My cousin and roommate re-watching the NYC Verzuz with me (yes, it was epic)
  • My brothers checking in on me, and letting me distract myself by helping out with small tasks
  • My girlfriends who ALWAYS remind me how much I am loved and accepted.
  • My incredible coworkers who have helped me succeed at work just by letting me know what I contribute is valuable.

Wow. Just writing this out helps. Point is, I don't know if I could fight depression without constantly reminding myself that I am surrounded by a "great cloud of witnesses" who greatly outweigh those who are not for me; helping me breathe during this strange season when some days I feel like giving in and giving up to the waves crashing over me.

This morning, I realize that my people are the blessings I can count on, even in the middle of depression. When it looks like I'm surrounded by despair, when I can't show up for others the way I'd like, God's got me covered. Yes, I can keep on keeping on.

He's got you too.
​
☼
Picture
Sunset despedida with my lovely friend Mika... I am so glad I showed up, time spent with you is always restorative.
Comments

    Archives

    December 2021
    October 2021
    August 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    December 2020
    September 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    April 2020
    January 2020
    November 2019
    October 2019

    Featured Stories

    Picture
    Pull Breathe Kick Glide ~ Oct 2021
    Picture
    Surrounded ~ Aug 2021
Site powered by Weebly. Managed by Hello Internet
  • Home
  • About
  • Stories
  • Snapshot
  • Connect
  • Ecuador 🇪🇨