July was an month of illumination.
Right in the middle of the year; a year that I really thought would go quite differently, has surprised me yet again. I am starting to strongly dislike surprises.
After the past 2 years tried to drown me, I thought the waves of life would be a little more predictable and the current less strong. Or at least I thought what didn't kill me made me stronger. Yet I feel weaker today than I have in a while.
I've heard "God gives the hardest battles to God's strongest soldiers." But last night from Harlem I screamed a prayer to the high heavens at the top of my lungs while laying on the floor of my closest girlfriend's apartment while updating her on the events of my life in July 2022.
"I AM NOT ONE OF YOUR STRONGEST SOLDIERS, GOD, WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING PLEASE STOP."
I'm pretty sure God heard me. Well, at least Rykiel and her neighbors did.
So yes, the last few months have been a LOT for me, all culminating in July. And this is why, today, I've decided to finally sit down, come back to the keyboard, and write again. Because what I know for sure is that when I record what God is doing, even when I don't understand it, and even when I wish it wasn't happening this way, I can better accept it, and help others do the same. Watch this space, haha.
God's doing a lot. I'm exhausted. I'm so tired of loss. Grief is so complicated and unpredictable. My body is betraying me. My love life is confusing. My job is stressing me out. Things are just all around crazy.
And yet I am free. I am alive. I am healing. I am loved immensely. I am whole. I am blessed. I am filled with hope. I am thriving even when it feels some days like I cannot move.
Yes, God is working indeed. I'm reaching towards what I see. I'm stretching out. I'm seeking. I'm finding. I'm learning. I'm growing. When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.
Pray for me.